I feel sort of like a stressed out, living-dead person. If that makes any sense? Perhaps I am stuck in a rut in life at the moment. I feel like I have lost my sense of self and spend all my time as Mommy. Not that I am complaining about being a Mom, I love my children and thank God for them every day of my life. I suppose I just feel like being a Mother is defining me at the moment, and I am not sure how to change that.
I am a nurse and love my profession, but I can't work because we can't seem to find a regular babysitter. It was easy when we only had one child and my Dad used to watch her for us while I worked. But now, with three little ones, it isn't so easy anymore. I tried putting ads out there, asking around the neighborhood, school, etc. Nothing, nada, zilch. Sucks- really. Not only could we use a little extra income for savings, but it does wonders for me to go to work and feel like I am doing something important other than what I do at home. I am a good nurse and truly care for my patients. I am hoping that once spring break comes around and the college kids are home, I will be able to talk my niece into watching the girls so I can work a little.
My husband and I never get the chance to do anything alone. He works so many damn hours during the week and by the time he gets home and we have dinner (if he is even home in time for dinner) he is exhausted, the kids are antsy and I am about to lose my mind. The weekends are great, but it would be so nice to have the chance every couple weeks to go out to dinner or a movie with him without three kids in tow. I sound like I'm complaining; I'm not complaining. Okay- maybe I am. Just a little!
Hell, I am allowed to complain. This is my blog and I'll complain if I want to. I used to be good at writing. After writing that book last summer (which is still sitting on the dresser in my bedroom, un-edited because I just don't have the desire to pick it back up) I seemed to have lost all interest in writing. It has always been such a great outlet for me in life. I am not very good at talk about my emotions, so writing always gave me a way to get them out without someone listening. Granted, the whole world could read this...so it pretty much makes no sense that I can't talk about my emotions, but I can put them here on this website for everyone to see. But hey, I never claimed to make sense. That's me...the senseless one.
I just spent a half hour rocking the baby to sleep. She finally quieted down and I have been sitting here writing this for the last 10 minutes. My oldest child decided to get out of bed, yet again, and run through the hallway doing God knows what and woke the baby back up again. Seriously, I sort of feel like running away at the moment. Oh the thought of getting in my car and just driving, perhaps to a mental hospital for a few weeks! I can hear my husband walking down the hallway to quiet her. I feel bad. I know he had to leave the house at 4:30 this morning and is exhausted, but sometimes I need a break too. Actually, I need a break and a shower. And, perhaps a lock on my five year olds door.
By the way, my birthday is next week. I will be 34 and I am seriously, despite all the craziness in my life, thinking about having another baby. Insane?-most likely. I just can't shake the desire to add a forth child into our lives and I don't want to do that after I turn 35. So, my clock is a' tickin! Stay tuned...maybe I will come to my senses.
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