11 years ago tonight, I was likely watching something forgettable on television, getting ready to go to bed. My life was ordinary. I was 22, 10 days away from turning 23. I lived in my very first home away from home with my boyfriend, Sean. I worked a decent job at an insurance company.
11 years ago tonight, my boyfriend was nervous about me driving his truck to work the next day. My Mom's car had broken down earlier in the day, so I lent her mine to use and was going to drive Sean's truck to work. Despite my desire to own a large vehicle, Sean used to insist I would never be able to handle an SUV. (For the record, I have driven a Tahoe for the last several years and have had nothing but SUV's since 2002-ish.) Anyway, 11 years ago, cell phones weren't very prevalent. Beepers were still the way to go. He hounded me all night long about that stinking truck. "Mandy, when you get to work, page me with a one if you made it without any problems. If you page me with a two, I will know there is something wrong." I laughed at him, but was more annoyed at his lack of faith in my driving abilities.
11 years ago tonight, I went to bed with my biggest care in the world being my drive to work the next morning. Life was so simple. Life was still innocent, whole, complete. My heart was still intact. My soul wasn't missing anything.
So, the next morning I started my drive to work. The first turn I had to make, I got stuck on a patch of ice with a school bus behind me and cursed to myself as I sat there spinning wheels. If that was any indication of the way my day was going to go, I would rather turn around and go back to bed. But, after several minutes of spinning tires and beeping cars, I broke free from the icy patch and made my way, safely, to work. Upon arriving, I found a note taped to the computer screen on my desk saying "call your sister, it's an emergency." I don't feel like going into all the details of that horrible, life changing morning, but I will tell you that Sean's beeper was paged with the number two at least 25 times before he realized something was really wrong. And it wasn't with his truck.
As I slept through the night on March 9th, 1999, my brother, Nick, was killed in a car accident. I was dreaming of something, or fluffing my pillow or turning over in bed as my little brother took his last breath. I was clueless. My whole family was clueless. My brother, who was nothing short of an amazing, beautiful, caring individual had his life taken from him way before his time that night. As I danced the night away in dream-land, my brother was all alone, lifeless in a road, on a cold, March night.
So, Nick, in about an hour, it will be 11 long years since you have been gone. So often it seems like a lifetime has passed since I have seen your smiling face or heard your infectious laughter. Other times, it seems like just yesterday I was stuck on that patch of ice with the school bus behind me. I miss you- from the depths of my heart and soul. My life has never been "normal" since you died. Things can't be the way they were before the accident, it just isn't possible. But, I learned a new "normal." I have changed so much from that scared 22 year old girl. I have children, a husband, a home, a profession. I have never-ending laundry to do, fights to break up and dinner to cook. I kiss boo-boo's, change diapers and fall asleep with my ipod on to block out the sound of my husband snoring. I have grown from being a daughter and sister, and added wife and mother to the list. Despite the things that have changed in my life over the last 11 years, my love for you has never wavered in intensity. If anything, it has only grown with me. It is truly one of the greatest honors of my life to be your sister. Not a day goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars for the relationship I had with you. The bond we shared was like nothing I have ever known with anyone else. You were my brother and my best friend. We grew up together, laughed together, cried together, played together and shared dreams for a happy future together. I will never be sorry enough that you didn't have the chance to live those dreams.
Where ever you may be, Nicholas, know that I love you. Know that I haven't one regret when it comes to being your sister. There was no fighting or name calling. We just were. We just...were. I am blessed to have each and every memory I have of you. I am thankful to have had 20 years with you and I am honored to call myself your sister. So, until we meet again, know you are more than alive in my life. You may be gone physically, but you aren't forgotten. I love you brother. Call me when you get there :)
xoxo~
Mandy
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